My Rearview Mirror

Today, I’m deserting the hurt, the guilt, the regrets and the lame efforts to revive something that has died. What was broken can no longer be fixed. It can only be made new.

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Regrets.  I had my fair share of these and the last is not far from memory.

A friend of mine decided one day to stop talking to me. I believe she’s made up her mind for a good reason, though I never got to find out what it was. I waited for a conversation to take place to have some understanding, a sense of clarity, but my hopes ended in vain.

When somebody you talk to every day suddenly ignores you, it hurts. You get these questions in mind, questions I myself didn’t know how to handle at that particular time.

A confrontation could have helped, but I took a more cowardly approach, that was,  to ignore her too.  At one point I just gave up and turned my back on something I could have saved.

Weeks passed and my frustration slowly healed. I intended to pick up where I left off, but I figured it was too late. I knew then that my friend and I were definitely going to part ways.

My few attempts to win back what I’ve lost felt more like sowing a seed and never seeing it grow. It was a fruitless exercise.  I look at myself and sighed, “Guess, you’re trying too hard on this one.”

For the second time, I gave up. Maybe it’s water under the bridge. It’s over. It’s done and I just had to deal with it.

I came to terms with my limitations and confided to another friend.  I asked for a bit of advice on what to do.  She said, try acceptance, and try forgiveness.  All I can muster was, “Oh. Alright.” – my thoughts still quite disorderly.  Obviously, these aren’t medications you can buy from a local pharmacy. It.took.me.time.—to process, to understand, and to appreciate the beauty embedded in these two words:  acceptance and forgiveness.

Acceptance means to embrace something for what it is now.  Forgiveness is to let go of the hurt and surrender the guilt.

Oftentimes we want to go back to how things were.   That’s what I wished for my case.  I know I too have made a mistake, and it cannot be undone. But the more I thought about the actions I took, I realized I must have done both myself and my friend a favor.  We talk now but not as much as before. Since the interaction’s quite limited, we have done away with one thing:  the negative talk about our common “enemy”.

We were once united by a common dislike against one person. The negative talk has taken a toll on me and it affected my work and the quality of my thoughts. Now that we don’t have the luxury to justify each other’s complaint, we’re both forced to be quiet about our grudges.  It’s something that, for me, has turned into a blessing.  Less focus on the bad meant more focus on the good.

Mistakes can be repeated until the lesson has been learned.  I will strive to do better next time around. But for now, I need to forgive myself for the immaturity, the cowardice, the ego and the pride I had held dear. To my friend, I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me too, as I have resolved for the same forgiveness in mine.

Today, I’m deserting the hurt, the guilt, the regrets and the lame efforts to revive something that has died. What was broken can no longer be fixed.  It can only be made new. So this is me giving a new beginning to my friend, releasing her from my clutch, so she could blossom into a wonderful and strong woman she’s always meant to be. Let bygones be bygones.

As I glance into my car’s rearview mirror, I noticed the things that looked so huge just moments ago have now become so small, ‘till slowly, it faded away.  As I drove further up the road new things came in sight.  Some pretty, some not.  But I thought to myself:  “Well, this is “Now”, and I will cherish every minute of it.”

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