In The Depths Of The Night

Will you make my heart stop?

My last desperate prayer as I sank in my bed that night.

I was ready for His response.

The last two weeks of Lent have revealed the darkest places in my heart and the worst of all thoughts. I did not want to go on living like a fraud. I say one thing but my heart says another. I couldn’t trust myself and I was exhausted trying to hold it together. If I continue to be a disgrace to Him, what’s the point of going on? 

Still the next day, He woke me up. So I said, “ I’m giving up running this show. This life is yours, to begin with. Do with it as you please. All I desire right now is to devote myself to you. But I don’t even know how or where to start. Please show me the way”.

Have you ever felt that nudge from a Higher power, so overwhelming it can’t be ignored?

“My heart is restless until it rests in you”.

St. Augustine

My restlessness led me to the path of searching for answers, beginning with knowing, 

  • the things I cannot afford to let go of, 
  • the impurities of my heart
  • the amount of compassion I’m capable of
  • the strength of my love
  • the depth of my devotion

Most of the answers we seek don’t come easily.

At times they don’t even come at all.

But as I resolve to recognize this season as a part of the journey, I just kept on walking even if I couldn’t see the whole road up ahead.

If we fail today, it won’t be the last time.

The journey is hardly ever a straight line.

We win and we lose.

Happy and sad times make up our lives, as much as victories and defeats.

Nothing is really permanent. If we maintain that perspective, we will have the courage and care to go through anything, knowing that someday soon it will be over, and things will get better.

There has to be more.

This is what I believe and secretly hope for.

But right now my life is at a standstill. I’m waiting for Him to stir things up.  

Friends have warned me to be careful what I ask for. But I can never be scared. Time and again, the struggles I face reveal my flaws and my gifts, my dependencies and my autonomy, and whether these are right or wrong in any given situation. I’m curious to see what lies ahead, What possibilities can there be.

Months or years from now our circumstances will change. 

To some, it’s something to worry about.

But to me, it’s an exciting time to look forward to.

We have lived most of our lives hesitating or struggling mostly out of fear. 

We have never experienced true freedom.

We have not freely given or laid down our life for someone.

Nor have we freely given our time or our love.

There’s always something we wish to get in return.

Until then, I expect my prayer to remain.

“Will you make my heart stop”?

As I close my eyes and let go of everything, my heartbeat slowed down.

And it became steady.

My Father will be who He says He is.

I am His, and He is mine.

Closed Doors

“Life is all about the dance. The colors. The sunny afternoons and cold mornings. The starts and stops”.- sundaewrites

 

 

What are Closed Doors?

For some, it could mean an end of a chapter while for others, an end of a season.

End of a chapter means you’re finally done and you’re supposed to carry on to the next. So the story keeps on unfolding, and it’s altogether new to you. It is possible though that you could have brought along characters from the earlier chapters of your life or maybe lessons from your past.

End of a season means you could just be taking a break or a sabbatical. It’s the journey of hills and valleys. After a while, you come back to the same season, but this time, you know better and you‘ve grown stronger.

In life, we will come face to face with a lot of closed doors:

  • Graduating from College
  • Graduating from Singlehood
  • Graduating from parenting small kids
  • End of a career
  • End of a project
  • End of a relationship
  • Failure of a business
  • Failure of a lifelong dream
  • Failure of a marriage

 

Though some doors are meant to be closed forever, some are just waiting to be reopened for you to come back in and finish what you’ve started.  Every closed door presents an opportunity, to grow, to rest, to re-evaluate where you are and where you want to go. It gives us space to think, a chance to reboot, to renew, regenerate and refocus.

So how do we deal with closed doors?

We welcome it. We don’t resist it.

 

 

At some point, we need to stop fighting battles that we are not meant to fight.  We need to stop holding on to things we’re supposed to let go. We need to stop anything that doesn’t serve us or make us better.

What we’d rather do is begin to summon that courage to step into unfamiliar waters or cross that river. We need to feel the ground we’re standing on and focus on the road up ahead instead of looking back. We need to run through the rain instead of wishing it to stop. For life, is all about the dance. The colors. The sunny afternoons and cold mornings. The starts and stops.

Do we need to worry about closed doors?

 

Four years ago, I lost someone. There was no way for that loss to be reversed. So I questioned life, I questioned God. Demanded answers that in my heart, I already knew but refused to accept. So I kept banging on heavens doors for answers to my “Why”.

Then, I got tired. I lurked in darkness until I realized dwelling in that state is not serving me anymore. So my “Why” turned into, “What now”. As I opened my self to receive answers to this question, new things started to unfold.  Things I never thought of focusing my life on. Things that allowed me to re-ignite my desire to live and do it to the full.

Some of us live through two seasons during the year, some four.  Regardless of the number, you have to live through them to understand and appreciate one full year.  If you’re reading a book, at any point you’d know how many chapters there are to go before you reach the end. But if you’re the character in the story, you don’t know that.  So you do the best you could to make the best of what you have, relish it and still give something away.

 

In life, you don’t show up just to get, you show up to give. Trust me, being able to give, is a much better place to be in.

Everybody loves a happy life. But a life story with no struggles, setbacks, detours and closed doors, is not as exciting to hear compared to a life story that has.  Nobody can relate to a life with no pain, and nobody can be proud of a life lived devoid of meaning and purpose.

 

Are you still staring at a closed door? If it belongs to the past, leave it. There are still plenty of new doors waiting to be opened. In God’s universe, there’s an abundance of everything and it’s ours for the taking.

 

 

Question:

Are you looking at a closed door right now? What choice are you making? Comment here.